Unfortunately, This Story is Not a Good Fit and Your Life is a Joke

Part of the problem was that every sentence you wrote made us want to vomit. Personally, when I finished reading your submission (and by finished, I mean gave up after page three), I felt like Abraham walking away from a burning Sodom and Gomorrah after failing to identify a single, redeemable soul. Continue reading Unfortunately, This Story is Not a Good Fit and Your Life is a Joke

how to read a book, according to stock photos

How to Read a Book, According to Stock Photos

According to the Pew Research Center, the average American only reads four books in a year, and 27 percent of us read none at all. I came across these stats a few weeks ago and felt immediately burdened by a payload of poopy shame, because my numbers aren’t exactly ahead of the pack. But then I remembered Gus Van Sant’s fictional psychotherapist telling poor Will … Continue reading How to Read a Book, According to Stock Photos

the cabal magazine madonna faces

Dear Madonna, I Am Ready for My Oral Sex

First of all, huge fan of your work and of the person you’ve become. I never miss a single Madonna Tweet, album release, press mention, or paparazzi photo. I’ve driven by your $28 million dollar estate in Beverly Hills several times on one of those double-decker tour buses and admired your economic humility and restraint, evident even in this extravagant rite of fame. Most importantly, … Continue reading Dear Madonna, I Am Ready for My Oral Sex

the cabal

Excerpt from “The Moderator”

In this video, Lilian is waiting for you on the couch, carefully poised in a violet bustier and knee-high stockings. She is twirling a strand of her hair, biting her lip with a single tooth. You wonder how long she’s been sitting there holding that pose, that face. In a normal universe—not if she were a different woman, but if you were a different man—you … Continue reading Excerpt from “The Moderator”

the cabal

Honest Horoscope: Thanksgiving Day, 2016

Aries (March 21 – April 19) This morning, moons Phobos and Deimos were seen slinking away from Mars after a 4.5 billion-year sham romance that they claim was never intended to be serious. According social media, your life is a whirlwind of love and sex and flirtation, but today, as you sit around the dining room table with your newly-married father, your younger sister and … Continue reading Honest Horoscope: Thanksgiving Day, 2016