Unfortunately, This Story is Not a Good Fit and Your Life is a Joke

Part of the problem was that every sentence you wrote made us want to vomit. Personally, when I finished reading your submission (and by finished, I mean gave up after page three), I felt like Abraham walking away from a burning Sodom and Gomorrah after failing to identify a single, redeemable soul. Continue reading Unfortunately, This Story is Not a Good Fit and Your Life is a Joke

how to read a book, according to stock photos

How to Read a Book, According to Stock Photos

According to the Pew Research Center, the average American only reads four books in a year, and 27 percent of us read none at all. I came across these stats a few weeks ago and felt immediately burdened by a payload of poopy shame, because my numbers aren’t exactly ahead of the pack. But then I remembered Gus Van Sant’s fictional psychotherapist telling poor Will … Continue reading How to Read a Book, According to Stock Photos

the cabal magazine madonna faces

Dear Madonna, I Am Ready for My Oral Sex

First of all, huge fan of your work and of the person you’ve become. I never miss a single Madonna Tweet, album release, press mention, or paparazzi photo. I’ve driven by your $28 million dollar estate in Beverly Hills several times on one of those double-decker tour buses and admired your economic humility and restraint, evident even in this extravagant rite of fame. Most importantly, … Continue reading Dear Madonna, I Am Ready for My Oral Sex

the cabal

Excerpt from “The Moderator”

In this video, Lilian is waiting for you on the couch, carefully poised in a violet bustier and knee-high stockings. She is twirling a strand of her hair, biting her lip with a single tooth. You wonder how long she’s been sitting there holding that pose, that face. In a normal universe—not if she were a different woman, but if you were a different man—you … Continue reading Excerpt from “The Moderator”

the cabal

Honest Horoscope: Thanksgiving Day, 2016

Aries (March 21 – April 19) This morning, moons Phobos and Deimos were seen slinking away from Mars after a 4.5 billion-year sham romance that they claim was never intended to be serious. According social media, your life is a whirlwind of love and sex and flirtation, but today, as you sit around the dining room table with your newly-married father, your younger sister and … Continue reading Honest Horoscope: Thanksgiving Day, 2016

The Cabal

We All Got a Little Bit of Ho In Us

There are a few songs on every album that we love less. Like middle children or unsalted fries or those blanched days between winter and spring, they lack a certain quality that is difficult to define but enough to cost our affection. In the age of internet radio, the problem is exacerbated. Most of the songs we hear are orphaned from their albums—from the stories … Continue reading We All Got a Little Bit of Ho In Us