By ALEKS CONRAD
First of all, huge fan of your work and of the person you’ve become. I never miss a single Madonna Tweet, album release, press mention, or paparazzi photo. I’ve driven by your $28 million dollar estate in Beverly Hills several times on one of those double-decker tour buses and admired your economic humility and restraint, evident even in this extravagant rite of fame. Most importantly, I admire your contributions to the feminist movement, and the collective progress you’ve helped females achieve.
You are a true symbol of feminine beauty, grace, power, and dignity. When you chanted “WE CHOOSE LOVE” after casually threatening to blow up the White House (presumably with Trump and his family inside) I think women everywhere were really motivated to choose love. It is only fitting that your name should recall the Italian Renaissance paintings of the Virgin Mary, mother of Christ.
Anyway. I recently stumbled on a video of you opening for Amy Schumer in Madison Square Garden. In this video, you offer to perform oral sex on any man who voted for Hillary Clinton. I would like to redeem this offer. I understand that may be impolite, as you and I have never met, and you are older than my mother, but you did make the offer publicly, and I did change my mind at the polls and vote for a woman in hopes of consummating my desire, with you . . . orally.
In case you forgot, here’s the direct quote:
“If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blowjob. Okay? I’m really good. I’m not a douche, and I’m not a tool. I take my time, I have a lot of eye contact, and I do swallow.”
I must admit, though. I got a little confused when, during your performance of “Human Nature” at the Women’s March on Washington, you told President Trump to “suck a dick.” Just want to be clear who is doing the sucking, as I am definitely not interested in receiving this service from a 70-year-old man, especially since all of his secret service goons would have to watch.
If it helps, I’ve recently become a feminist myself. There was no protest march in my hometown, but I did walk up and down the street wearing a vagina hat and carrying a sign that said, “I CHOOSE LOVE.” Wanted to convey the message that women are more than pieces of flesh to be objectified by objectifying that very sacred, centroidal piece of flesh on my head in front of the Splashin’ City Car Wash.
My actions were, again, largely inspired by your message and your attitude. It hasn’t been any one thing you’ve said or done—more a slow accumulation of public animalisms that have chipped away at my natural tendency to degrade and disrespect women. Here are a few examples:
The final straw, of course, was the Instagram photo you shared, in which a woman has shaved her pubic hair into the shape of Nike’s Just Do It logo. Nothing is more politically galvanizing or morally restorative than pubic hair and a slogan from 1988.
If more women could be like you, the world would be a kinder place, and girls could stop playing right into the hand of male lust, and we could really turn this #NastyWoman thing on its head. I think your life and career perfectly illustrate a truth many of us have yet to discover: the antidote to our world’s suppression and oppression of women in all of its various forms is sexual effrontery.
P.S. Please let me know about the BJ. You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org.